I can still remember my first crush like it was yesterday. I stood in the classroom looking around. I really, outside of my brothers had very little interaction with the opposite sex. Then the teacher sat me between MC and JC and that was the beginning of the end, lol I have been hooked on this fine specimen of human every since!
However, this road was fraught with bumps that would take a hummer out. In reflecting upon my own upbringing and social interaction with boy and eventually men - it brought me to some early and then refined viewpoints on how I was going to deal with my own child concerning this topic.
I think the biggest impediment to my development in this area was that I never got any conversation about them! I got orders, demands and threats - but having dialogue about boys wasn’t going down in my household.
I still feel a bit of sadness that I had to navigate the waters of boys etc. all by my lonesome. My entire teenage years were spent with this ’secret’ and it was as innocent as “I like boys”. Peers are cool, don’t get me wrong - but if I had of had an open relationship or any relationship with my mother on this subject, it would have went so much better. Every boyfriend I called myself having was done in the dark. How I raised myself being a virgin etc. is beyond me in reality. I seemingly always had that plan in action that I wasn’t going out like that. Add in the brimstone and what not about it (with no explanation mind you) and that stuck. But I was a healthy, fun loving, teenage girl and living two lives was very dificult for me.
Even when the big 1-6 came upon me - NOTHING CHANGED! Well let me clarify, on the home front nothing changed. However, my daddy was a bit different and the only real open boyfriend I ever had the pleasure of having as a teenager - was at his home during the summer of my 15-16 year. SIGH. When I got home - it was squashed and we went back to business as usual.
Boys at my school had long given up on me and the declarations of what could have been only came out at various reunions.
There are classmates that can testify to my issues that read this blog. Maybe they didn’t know exactly how I felt - but this was something that has bugged me for many a year now. I wasn’t the girl that could go to the party, very few games and if it wasn’t for proms and the like - I truly believe I would have went my whole teenage experience without having a real life he came over to the house to pick me up…date.
Imagine that and then bump it up against my “the world is your oyster - make sure you go out and conquer it” Brothers mantra and you see the frustration.
In my later years, I’ve gathered the gumption to confront my mom about this and the answer hasn’t satisfied me, probably never will. My take is that I NEVER once gave any indication that I was that child that would lose control of that situation and with no experience - how would anyone even know. I made my own life by having a for the most part all male crew, boyfriends through the phone and in the neighborhood, but I would have liked to live above the line - come out the cave and have some guidance on it.
Now something else was in play here as well - I entered the world of semi-adult dating not knowing hide nor hair about HOW TO RELATE TO A MAN and BE IN A RELATIONSHIP. It was quite skewed from my viewpoint. Like having a lot of book learning but no real experience. Coming from a religious and family vantage point that was pro-man, I entered the arena with this mis-guidance that the relationship burden was on my shoulders. It was up to me to jump through the hoops and make it all right. He happy - I’m happy. My visual was women working hard to make the man feel good and very little demonstrative visuals of what the man does on an intimate level. To Joke - all I ever saw was the proverbial man being fed grapes while he laid on the bed of gold. “Time to wash the royal penis sire?”
I can remember so many conversations I’ve had about how my needs and wants and desires don’t really matter because it’s all about him. It’s been a journey. I’ve chased after TOO MANY MEN IN MY LIFE. I’ve neglected my own self all the way down to my orgasm TOO MANY TIMES IN MY LIFE. I have just been downright unhappy TOO MANY TIMES IN MY LIFE.
I just have to thank GOD on the daily - that we walk journeys and meet people and get viewpoints and ideas along the way. I’m one of the lucky ones, I figured that shit out and then on top of everything else GOT REWARDED WITH A CAUN. I’ve never go back - I am RELATING DAMMIT! YA’LL HEAR ME!?
So when I look at this child I birthed, 10 times more beautiful than I ever was as a teenager - coming alive right before my eyes - we coming out the dark into the light. We are going to talk about it AND experience it. We are going to rewrite that chapter. Boys exist - let me tell you about them, let us talk about them, let’s see how we can successfully navigate with them, let me be there for you, let your friends be just that friends and not so much teachers, let’s laugh about it, let’s cry about it, let’s get ready for the big league one day. Let’s not have you write this blog when you are 42.
This past weekend was my HS Homecoming. As always it was SPECTACULAR!! I just so enjoy the whole vibe. I’m a bit concerned about the dwindling numbers from my class participating - which puts our 25th Reunion Anniversary (Homecoming marked the beginning of our year of 25) in serious jeopardy. We will just have to see.
