the adventures of pamalicious

 Am I back on Dial-up?! What happened to my internet life?  I used to be neck deep up in the latest happenings and it has slowly just become a read only life.  My instant messenger used to be poppin as well - good good conversation.  I remember when the entire lower half of my computer screen was all lit up from all the conversations I used to have…no more.  I just blog - stop through ‘the tabloids’ - breeze through ‘highschool’ and that’s that.  Even when I am on the net, I can’t seem to find the new message boards or any of the hot spots. I just surf aimlessly looking at this and that. I watch the enthusiasm with which Goddess surfs the net and I remember ya’ll.  I remember. The crazy thing is, I still am on the damn thing too much, lol 

Hey did my phone get disconnected? Exactly, why do I even have a phone. Nobody damn calls. All these bells and whistles and…CRICKETS!  Um, I used to have other people to talk to.  My Friend/Ex called the other day and I was like a thirsty man at a lake - just soaking up some new angle and communication.  I used to sit on the phone for hours watching TV with “Janet” we now talk during the day at work.  My mom won’t barely talk to me - because she says I don’t have the time I used to have to listen, lol  So I just play with my phone and do stuff like light up the lights and what not.  I even forget to carry it sometimes.

The Break Up with B.O.B.  Let’s not pretend that each and every one of us doesn’t need any ‘one on one’ time sometimes.  I remember when it used to be a big event. Candles, a nice soak, some wine, the adventure of seeing if you can knock your own self the hell out. Well B.O.B. is gone out of my life SOB SOB SOB.  With the addition of a real live one - we just kinda drifted apart.  B.O.B. was a good one though.  He didn’t ask no questions, he asked for nothing in return, He was ambidexterous, He kept it up forever and he was just about YOU. I can’t even find him and when I do try to set aside some time to maybe hook up for old time sake, I can’t find no batteries, the time constraints are a mess and by the time I try to reconnect with all the fantasies I used to have…I’M SLEEP DAMMIT!!  

Leave Me Alone - I used to be in charge of my time. Even with being a mother, I had soo much time to just wallow in my own stew.  If I wanted to just stare at the wall for three hours..fine. If I wanted to sit and read all my old journals..fine.  If I wanted to spend all day beautifying myself..fine.  I have been reverted back to my life with a toddler - the BATHROOM is the only place to step outside myself and talk to myself.  I look daily for sometime to just be..quiet.  Actually, I am a quiet person - I am motivated by others to perform - Yes I am a windup doll, lol lol I like just having peace and quiet and alone time.  All of my senses need time to relax and rejuvenate.  I can’t function always on overload.  At this point, I can’t even sleep for the most part. So much going on in my head.  I hear an invitation to a secluded island somewhere off in the distance.

Calling Party of ONE - been a long time since I’ve seen that. Dinner and a movie with..myself.  A Stroll in the mall sipping on a smoothie…alone.  A ride home from work to debrief with myself…solo.  Things that used to be taken for granted, now have to be scheduled and explained.  I have the windows down and my laughter is loud as I speed down Interstate 20 in the morning - I am afloat in the air, hiding in the clouds - my music blasting. I inhale deeply, filling my lungs with personal space and individual thought and selfish needs and desires.  

Hmmmm - life sure is different now…………

1. Today is a good day!  I woke up with new things on my mind and anticipation for even newer things.  Last evening I started back walked and I’ve made a resolution to myself that when we get back from Disney I’m going to get this together.  How can I be walking around with all this glow and all this fabulousness (in my head of course) and the deep dark secret is that my diabetes are still about 40% out of control and I am 95% out of control on my eating and drinking. I am tired of that little secret and now I not only want but I Need to get it together.  I still don’t know when I decided this wasn’t a problem - but when you sit down and basically say, “Hey I got about 30 more years to live” then you know it’s time to get a smack in the head and get your ass into gear!  I will do it this time - I can enjoy life and stay alive!  I can!
2. There is one thing that I have envied since I became an adult and it still lurks in my heart since I became grown and that’s all the women who have that great casual relationship with their moms.  Those that not only share mutual love but respect, honor and friendship as well. Those that come to me and say, “Hey me and my mom are going on a cruise together”  or ”My mom and I hang out all the time”. I see ya’ll bouncing around, communicating and being openly affectionate.  Yea your mom is your mom and she set in her ways, but you all have made that ever elusive merger into two grown women who are Mother and Daughter.  My sight in my own life is hazy and fuzzy at best. My mom and I have a formal relationship and at this point - I’m just going to have to live with that and see how I can make that work.  I need to make it work, because it’s making me weary and over the years it has slowly ground down my back teeth (if you understand that methphor).  My coming to understand that this is the way it is going to be is a HUGE step and I don’t have to be defined by it, but it is my reality.  I have shaved the legs of the stool I teter on down, and I am now back on solid ground.  I will stop at 41, letting that stool rock because of anything other than what I have approved as rockable.  Validate yourself, take opinions and put it all under advisement. Smile and put your heart at ease. Love in spite of and free yourself from your own suitcase.  There is a plan and obviously you aren’t in charge.  Honor thy Parents.  Amen!
3. I look back on my life and I wasted alot of time….growing.  If I had of grown earlier; then my movement would have been greater.  I am one who is just hitting my stride, just carving my niche, just bursting out of my cocoon. Alot of things I stuck to as my personal gospel, have paid off in their own time. I have absorbed everything and needed to learn how to absorb just the nutrients.  So much time spent…flushing.  Now my pancreas is shot both literally and figuratively.  My blood is slow - I get sleepy from overloads that cause my head to ache and my feet to swell. I am the happiest I’ve ever been both inside and out.  I look in the mirror and see beauty and glimmers of pure tranquility.  My walk is meant to be casual, my dress relaxed, my frown lines reduced.  There is a fast lane if you need to take it; but I’m fine, no really..I’m fine.
4. My Niece went on her first unescorted date the other day. My heart swole with that feeling you get when transition has taken place.  I remember her big brown eyes staring up at me many a moon ago and now those same brown eyes are staring into those of a boy.  I hope that she sees herself in her entirety and not half which needs to be completed by this boy.  I hope that her worth has not mistaken for that V between her legs and I hope that the ills of her Father do not sicken her to the marvels and wonders of…that boy.  My Niece’s transition causes a new future folder in my mind to be started….Goddess Monroe takes a Date.  My heart flutters…Damn Y Tu Goddess?, Y Tu?
5. 110 Million would sit nicely in my bank account,  $1000 would sit nicely in my drawer.  The numbers look back at me on this scrap of paper, taunting and filling my mind with all the things that money can buy and all the lives that money could help and all the friendships that money could ruin and all the hate that money could foster, but I sure would like to see these numbers weld themselves to this piece of paper in my hand tonite.

New Feature on this ole blog here. Every Tuesday - I will articulate FIVE random thoughts going on in my head, lol lol.  Just some freeform shyt for your Tuesday afternoon.  So here goes! 

1. I’m listening to our Assistant District Attorney Paul Howard on the radio giving the results of some DNA testing they were finally able to do concerning the Wayne Williams case.  You know him - the man convicted of the killings in the Atlanta Missing and Murdered Children Cases.  Well they took samples from five of the victims and fibers that were found on them and the clothing etc and the test came back that they all linked back to Wayne Williams through his dog - Sheba. I’mma now need Wayne Williams to sit the hell down!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Stop wasting our time - you know you either did it outright or had something close to do with them.  I remember them well in 79 - I even had seen Wayne a couple of times.  He lived on the block that my play Grandmother lived on. He was that kid that you wanted to drop kick cause he was such a smart ass. I remember he wanted to teach the boys in the neighborhood how to play the drums.  Yea igga right.
2. ET Awards tonite. The last frontier in Award Shows and one of the maybe three times I give BET some of my time.  I’ve cleared that time slot fo sho! 
3. I’ve been Goddess booking agent again.  Her Paternal Uncle called and wanted to know if she might want to go to Vegas with that side of the family and chill at her Great Aunts luxiourous home in the desert?  Um, okayyyy.  We’ll see if that pans out. She’ll be going the week before we go to Disney. So she will get off the plane stay a week here with her cousins, get back on the plane go to vegas, get off the plane and get in DQ for the drive to Orlando for a week.  Gots to be her when I grow up!
4. Don’t you hate when you actually take an interest in someone and impart some of your platinum level knowledge, wisdom and understanding (alot at their request) and then they basically tell you to F-off and go ahead and do their own thang anyway.  If you already know you are just using me as a secret barometer of sanity and then you go and do the insane - don’t waste my time! This has now happened twice in my life - that’s about all I am entertaining. Here’s wishing you the very best with that situation. Make sure you take your motion sickness medication - because that roller coaster you insist on being on is a doosey.  Yea Good Luck with that one.
5. There’s a weird feeling that someone dislikes me based on what they have concocted in their minds as opposed to having honest hatred for me.  I mean give me a chance to foster your dislike - don’t dislike me based on some delusion you have, lol  I struggle with this feeling of “Ha the witch got hate on my fabulousness” (which in itself might be delusional while I’m talking,lol) and guilt that this has effectively ruined a father/daughter relationship.  We’ve never met, we’ve never said hello and the fire nipping at my heels is unchecked and hot.  I don’t know what to do or how to deal - this is all foreign to me.  I want to pounce, but it’s not really my battle, so I have to just be supportive - while I secretly plan ugly ugly things in my mind.  One day it will be over - we got about 11 more years SIGH