the adventures of pamalicious

A friend of mine is going through something that really made me think about my own upbringing and adult matters.  Inevitability, according to the statistics, 50% (or it might be more now) of marriages end in divorce.  Are there any stats on how many ‘arrangements’ also bust up?  Most times within these situations there are children involved and most times there is some drama surrounding how everyone moves forward concerning that child. 

I come from a very unique situation where my folks remained not only good friends but could co parent without ‘visible’ drama (cause I can’t say for sure there wasn’t any - I do remember not being allowed to ride with my father for like a week, so he would just drive slowly alongside us to make sure we got home ok from school, lol)  That part isn’t unique the unique part is that as my parents moved on in their lives our raising was seamless.  We LOVE our Step mom (and as you know I had more than one my father being polygamous and what not) and we had great respect for our ‘Aunts’ and still do as adults.  I can say I never saw any drama about any of it.  The goal was to raise healthy, well adjusted children. 

Now I am in a situation as a step parent.  I really don’t even like that word - we never used it in our home.  Everybody was mom because that was the role that they took.  As I acquired new siblings along with their momma’s there was no question that me and my immediate siblings would be embraced and that their children would come on in the fold.  It wasn’t a lot of yours and mine.  We were all theirs. 

Being a step parent is difficult it is and the sacrifices you make for children can be great but this PALES to what the child is going through. I do wonder how much stress BCPC is under as a 7 year old having to navigate through her parents issues. Play this role for fear her mom will keep her from seeing her dad. Wanting to reap the benefits of having more people love her, yet has to play all that down.  Must be quite jarring having to uproot and go back and forth and then the debriefings on both sides. 

I am a MOM point blank and simple.  When I married this man, me helping raise this child was automatic in my mind. I had visions of Will and Jada, Bruce and Demi - that’s the way it should be.  The previous relationships on both our sides had ended, time had gone by, our mates had moved on, the only thing I was concerned with was developing my individual relationship with the child.  I can admit I was totally blind sided by all of the reality of this situation.  The bitterness, the isolation as a person in the child’s life, the disconnect.  I cant’ get in because the space is so small. Caun can barely get in, so if a choice has to be made - he’s the one, he’s the father. 

Now let me say - sure men are A LOT OF TIMES front and center in creating the bullshit, but I’m coming from a perspective where the woman is the culprit.  To me it’s a sad situation having seen 4 women merge and raise 12 children successfully. There are two of us and I can’t even get cordial conversation - when we pull up she cuts all the lights out and cracks the door - umm okay.  So many games, $$$$ prefacing way to many conversations and it just leaves us all disjointed.

How wonderful for this child it would be to see her WHOLE family sitting front row at her events.  See her WHOLE family coming together for all the special moments in her life.  To see her mother, father, step mother and possibly step father all being able to be cordial, look each other in the eye, RESPECT one another.  It would be nice to be able to pick up the phone and call her mother to find out if she needs anything. It would be damn nice to see a damn report card sometimes. 

I just can’t wrap my mind around this and it does confuse me and I stay stressed about it.  All I can do is count those things that do work, pray that the child is minimally damaged and move on….cautiously. The whole thing gives me mad respect for today’s children cause as adults we sure can fuck it up for them.  Children never have and never will ask to come here - but they are here and they are relying on us to make them a safe nurturing environment to come up in.  Now a days it seems they need to be issued a pair of hip boots with their birth certificates in anticipation of the waist deep bullshit so many of them have to wade through because we can’t get the hell along - long enough to get them up and out in the world.