the adventures of pamalicious

As I was breathing deeply - catching my breath and trying to upright myself from the precarious position over the side of the bed - I started to laugh inwardly as flashes of my sexual life popped around in my head.  I know there’s probably this mystery about that since I don’t really talk about it, but then again you’ve seen Caun and I running around in capes and masks - so that might tell you something, lol lol

My journey to sexual fulfillment has been interesting.  Having been raised in a patriarchal household - I absorbed the notion that it was all about pleasing the man.  I set out reading and learning so that I would be well prepared to do just that.  Growing up with Brothers who had a lot of freedom didn’t help my case any either.  I had the classic I’m a good girl but boy do I wanna do this syndrome.

I have spoken about my wack ass first experience with the act itself.  I was doing better when I was the "GQ" (Grind Queen) in High school, lol  I can admit the years of my first marriage were not very good sexually.  What it did was open up a pandora’s box of fantasies and desires that kept me going.  I got into my porn, my erotica and the like during these years.  My mind was WIDE OPEN to the possibilities.

I have never been a ‘love maker’ I want to be but it never turns out that way - I’m a fucker.  I’m trying to get my groove ON!  Let’s toss it up and throw it around.  For many a year I wasn’t a big fan of foreplay, I enjoyed giving but receiving - I couldn’t relax and I think I didn’t have the right teachers in those areas.  I also have had moments where I was just wack, lol  I can admit that.  It usually was a combination of trying to be someone I’m not and forcing something.  However, when I’m open or the man’s got me open - oooh weee!  I can safely say that those that have enjoyed being with a sista - pull out that mental folder from time to time to this day, lol lol 

Whereas I’ve sometimes struggled with self esteem and body image - in the bedroom never the case.  Naked, lights on, blinds open doesn’t matter.  I have been known to have to be told to put some clothes on, lol  As well as, don’t let the notion that I"m overweight fool you.  In person I am short and squatty, lol  I don’t have any torso - but I am limber, agile and can be pretty strong.  You wanna get your Olympic on?  Ok, take it there.  Oh you want me to do a split on top of you?  Ok, Wow who knew I could do pushups on you while hanging off the bed, lol  I also can take it.  Bring your best shot - wanna jump off the dresser and make a full contact landing - come on with it, lol lol 

I like to have fun in the bedroom - that’s the place where you can let down your hair and connect.  Since we are no longer having sex for procreation then let’s truly have some leisurely enjoyment with it.  I used to be kinda shy and it was part of my ‘game’ (remember I said we all have game we run, lol) I still am to a certain degree but I like the fact that on a day to day basis - there really is no indication as to my sexual prowess, yet a tiger lives within this skin, lol lol

I also nurture my sexual relationship.  Since it starts way before you actually get to the bedroom, I try to keep it at semi turned on at all times.  Notes, photos, touches, emails, texts etc. all keep us simmering at all times. 

I’ve always been fiesty to varying degrees and I’ve put some men out of commission, they just couldn’t hang, lol  As  I have gotten more and more comfortable with myself and especially after I adopted the pamalicious moniker - I’ve been letting it rip.  Even through some of the most severe sexual droughts of my adult life - I have kept that fire stoked within myself.  Hell myself and I have the best relationship in the world.  We are extremely open and dirty with ourselves and usually are knocked out for the count, lol  Maintaining a healthy relationship with ones self only opens the door to even better relations when someone else enters the picture.

As I look back over my sexual life - there haven’t been so many partners as there have been experiences. I still have toes left and hopefully God willing my count stops with Caun.  Out of those experiences - I’ve had three that have helped shaped my Grown woman.  One taught me about being comfortable with just lusting after a negro, one pushed my physical limits to the test and the one I’m in right now - has taught me how much better it can be when LOVE is involved.  I’m free as a bird now and he’s getting it ALL!! 

Caun is turned out. He’ll tell you that.  Our first year of relationship and this first year of marriage has been exciting to say the least.  I don’t see it getting going any differently as we move ahead in our lives.  Being married to him has freed me up to the up most of possibilities.  I have things up my sleeve we haven’t even begun to explore. He’s taught me to turn it over to him and to fully receive.  We are not in a competition, lol  Though I like the competitiveness, lol  I bet you I can knock your ass out before you knock mine out, lol  Aww damn double knockout!  He also, however, has showed me the softer side of sex - a much needed lesson.

Hmmmm, yea all in all I’ve enjoyed my sexual journey and where it has landed me as a grown ass woman.  I look forward to more growth and progression.  I am aiming to be sexual until they throw the dirt on a sistah!