the adventures of pamalicious

Ok why is my best girlfriend…

MY HUSBAND CAUN!

Lately it has become evident that He is my best friend.  Now there is nothing wrong with that, but I’m trying to figure out what exactly happen to my female circle. 

It’s a difficult and convoluted subject if you ask me, because like my men, my female friendships have been somewhat out of the ordinary.

I’m not even sure what I’m feeling like I’m ‘missing’.  Yet as I sit home in the evenings with my phone not ringing etc. etc.  I feel like I’m missing something.  You know that person you might hang out with on Saturday.   Can we chit chat on the phone?  Maybe stop by and just kinda be women and gossip and what not. 

As I look over my current friendships (and I do have them).  "Janet" is my GURL!  I actually love her and consider her my sister and her family my family.  However, as we know life moves on and change is inevitable.  Me getting married and her giving birth has affected our relationship.  See when I wasn’t married or seeing anyone I was available to become parts of other peoples lives.  I was the one who showed up at your house and hung out and what not, I have discovered that I kept a lot of my relationships going - but now that’s changed a bit.  I still feel that I keep my bandwidth a bit wider.  I can’t remember the last time someone just showed up at my house ‘to visit’.  I haven’t even had a party at my home in eons, yet I’ve attended quite a few wayyyy on the other side of town.  So I am still about fostering and nuturing my relationships.

As we also know, giving birth changes EVERYTHING.  What was daily two or three hours phone calls - have been reduced to maybe twice a week if that. Short crammed conversations that end abruptly by one or the other.  We see each other once a month at MWC and maybe one other time.  She is trying to have another child.  Two toddlers - yea we going to our favorite 80’s club real soon, lol

I was fully aware of this transition, because out of all the women I know, I have the oldest child.  I am in a different parenting stage of life.  Because I tend to be attracted to younger women - they have babies and toddlers and early elementary school children and mine is about to enter HS. That in itself puts a ‘damper’ if you will on things.

I can’t even pinpoint when my friendship circled dried the hell up.  I guess because I am picky and I actually don’t like a whole bunch of folks in the circle - that would present a problem, lol.  I tend to have these all inclusive committed friendships and then we ‘break up’.

I have broken up with two different people in the last four years or so and there’s no going back.  One, turned out to be some kinda co-dependent mother/daughter relationship and when I, the daughter, grew up and didn’t need them in the same capacity, we drifted apart.  One, was an off and on thing that came to an end when I just couldn’t trust them anymore and I won’t be the butt of someone’s joke - nah that ain’t me. 

So now I look up and I have all of these ‘associates’.  Folks I know through people etc.  I have a thriving female friendship base - at work. But once I leave here we are not keeping in touch etc.  I rolled one out of the workplace, but our ’speed’ wasn’t exactly the same and I ended up so stressed - that it has to be held in the area in which it works. 

It is like I am in a room full of people, we are all laughing and talking but from my minds eye - I am all alone.  I know I am a quirky, personality overbearing type person - but for instance "Janet" and I mesh so perfectly in that area.  She is one of the only people where I don’t have to ‘be the conversation’.  A lot of times (and this is probably in my own ‘yellow’ mindscape - I feel like I bring the party and have to always bring the party to the situation.)  I also know though that I am a lot of fun and I enjoy friendships and the company of women in my life.

I also thought about this might not be so obvious if I had the right familial connections.  If I could say go call my sister and tell her to come over to hang out. If I spoke to my brother on the regular and we were involved in each others lives, whereas on Sundays we have dinner and in the summer we meet at the park for picnics with the families and what not.  So I basically have a larger hole than maybe because my family situation is not on point.

I also must take into account that I have a circle of internet female friends.  I have found myself in the same situation I found myself in concerning men.  The cerebral portion of my life is full and vibrant, yet my actual life is a bit empty and lonely.

I’m not sure what I would like to do about this situation. Maybe when you get in your 40’s - this is how your life flushes out.  Your mate should be your best friend. The advent of marriage etc.  especially HAPPY marriage, might have isolated me from a potential sister relationships.  I’m not getting out more in environments where you can foster new relationships (if only I went to a real live school building).  I don’t know.  Maybe I am not the person I think I am and folks are just not jocking for my friendship……..

I’m sure this will blow over and I’ll be rejuvenated with the people whether online or off, whether once a month or once a week that are in my life - filling it out and making it interesting on the terms in which they do.  Sometimes you can’t have it all and might be selfish in thinking that it all has to go the way you would like it…but it was something that was screaming blog about it and so I have.