the adventures of pamalicious

As the year winds down, I wanted to have my year in review just kinda out there without a lot of obvious fanfare that this is years end.  To begin the series of wrap up’s I’d like to being with my child.

Mini-me Age 11

The other day, mini-me bounded down the steps fully dressed. I looked at her and asked aloud where was she going at 8pm on a school night. She was trying on clothes for the next day, complete with accompanying jewelry and needed her sneakers. As I watched her go back upstairs my heart began pounding and my eyes welled up. Caun asked what was wrong and I told him, "it just dawned on me that in 750 or so days, I’m gonna be having that conversation because she WILL be on her way out the door with friends and/or GASP a boy" - all of a sudden I saw my child as the budding woman she is becoming.

As I look back over the events of this past year, I thought about Mini-me and how my life has affected hers. I try to make it a point to make sure I’m listening and not only taking care of her physically, but emotionally as well.  I don’t want my moves as an adult to affect her negatively and as a child sometimes that can happen.  My childhood had a lot of ‘moves that benefited adults, but left us confused and scared’ - I didn’t want that for her.  I wanted to maintain the right to make moves and decisions in the best interest of both she and I, but not forget about her and her emotional well-being. 

So I had to acknowledge that ALOT of change came for her this year as well.  She had seen her mother meet a man, fall in love, have him move in, then our entire family move to a new place last year. That was a doozey in itself. This year she saw her mom get married, she acquired a step father, a step grandmother, a step sister (along with her siblings). That’s a a lot to swallow.  Then add teenage hormones, middle school and it’s drama, extended family realizations and disappointments, self image and awareness awakenings and it’s been one hell of a 07 for Miss Lady, but like the trooper she’s been since I looked into her eyes at her Fathers grave and said I wouldn’t disappoint him - she’s been hanging in there. 

I’ve never subscribed to the notion that just ‘because’ she’s now a teenager I am to get ready for disappointments, late nights worrying, therapy, juvenile court and trips to planned parenthood.  I leave allowance for the TRADITIONAL trials and tribulations of teenagedom.  I understand that she’s still on the uphill climb to the pinnacle of this journey,which usually is 16-18 when the world opens up a bit more to them.  I acknowledge that I grew up in some alternate universe and what kept me sane in the 80’s might not keep her sane in the 00’s.  I am traveling this road cautiously, eyes open, pointing my gun like a hunter in the woods, I gotta be ready for anything.  IT DOES HELP however, that this child has decided to carry her own gun and look out for her damn self. 

(AGE 12)  She has plans and she has goals and so far she is obsessive about them.  She is beating to her own drummer but not off to the left - she just put her and her ‘instrument’ right in the middle of the band and is just beating away.  I point out clothes that I might let her wear; her response, "That’s good for them but that’s not what I’m wearing".  Disney has it’s pros and cons - but in a manner of speaking they have given her a blueprint that is a bit different. She wants what those kids have, she interacts with her parents like those kids, she wants to be well rounded and cultured like those kids.  She is on the computer but she is doing RESEARCH. No time for My Space or Instant Messaging - she is looking at living in Egypt, she is compiling the best family hotels in Vegas, she is making a power point on why we need to go on the Disney Cruise, she is scouring the outer corners of the Universe for anything to make Vin Diesel……relevant (SIGH), she is looking to see if she can trace her Caribbean heritage. 

Her MP3 player is indicative of where she’s at in her head.  A peep the other day (I do make sure she’s not channeling bullshit directly into her skull) reveals:  Peter Frampton (!!), Bing Crosby (!!), Everclear, Doughtery, Both Michael McDonald does Motown CD’s, Back, Ella Fitzgerald, Yolanda Adams all mingled in with High School Musical, Hannah Montana and Amy Winehouse with a touch of Beyonce, Mike and sprinkles of Duran Duran throughout.  I will still tell her to cut that down in your damn head, but it’s refreshing to know that it’s not full of Bitch, Hoe, Gangsta, Superman Dat Hoe…REFRESHING!

Secretly, she’s having a ball having a…Father.  She rides his coattails, passing out his business cards and telling folks he is going to have a record company. They have and continue to carve out a relationship that is not about me.  They have shows they watch, she will yell for him to come upstairs to show him something, she hugs him (in that awkward I’m a teenager hug) before bed.  She is protective of him against other people.  Do I have to still check her about her ‘tone’?  Yes. Do I have to tell her that so what he’s told that story 1000 times, she better listen?  YES.  However, on the list of what could have happen in this transition - this is a piece of cake!

As she flops on the floor to show Baby Chocolate Poundcake how to play dolls, I smile.  She helps her get dress, she holds her hand crossing the street, she lets her touch certain things - but then yells get out when she comes near the door or sticks those chubby fingers under the door. The traditional sounds of ’sisters’ - fill the upstairs and that’s a blessing as well.

And let us not forget, 1020 on the SAT’s, just took the PSAT (going backwards), BETA Club President, Year long School Announcement Announcers, Honor Roll from Kindergarten to 8th grade. Dreaming of Highschool: The Viola, the volleyball team, and overall popularity.

So as we end 2007, I wanted to take a moment to tell Mini-me THANK YOU!  Thanks for hanging in there with your momma.  I know I can be self-centered and I hadn’t been that good all the time with one-on-one time, I can get quite evil at times and I’ve spent wayy to many hours on the internet during your childhood, but you KNOW that I’ve been here for you, I’ve tailored our lives so that yours is default of drama, intentional sadness and other mishaps, you’ve gotten up for 14 years now without a specific care in the world and you know without a shadow of a doubt that I LOVE YOU!

Happy New Year Mini-me!!