the adventures of pamalicious

Morning! First let me say that I must be loosing my militant edge, when that whole post made sense to so many of you, lol lol  I also once again am made to acknowlege the matrix that is the discussion group whew.  I am also tickled pink that a ‘celebrity’ decided to browse these pages, lol lol lol Does He know you are using His name?

Anyhoo - I had a totally different topic until I read the comment by my girl J chilling Inside the Gates.  She talked about wishing she had of been taught these things.  It made me think about things that I wish I had been taught.  Our parents do the best they can and we as parent do the best we can - but some things either fall through the cracks, are overlooked, decided that it isn’t worth knowing or due to their own fears and insecurities are just left off the plate.

Today my thoughts went to what was it that I wished I had been taught. As I have been out on my own for 22 years - I’ve had time to identify some things, lol  There are three however that rise to the top immediately….

Hair/Make Up/Wardrobe -  Basically my mom has never put any significance on clothes and dressing etc.  I can’t really tell you how she dresses outside of her stage wear, lol lol  Well for the past six years, she goes and buys the same boots from Kmart - that ought to give you a hint, lol lol.  We never went ’school shopping’ like they do today. We got one or two outfits from some cheap ass store and that was it.  My mom lived in the Thrift Stores. For old Atlanta Timers - across the street from the West End Mall, on the street adjacent to the Black Catholic Church used to be an Eckerds and besides that a Good will - our pictures were probably up in the back, lol  I was never told that say makeup could be used to enhance beauty.  I was just happy to be able to wear bubbalicious lip gloss, lol  My hair was another struggle, I couldn’t even get it straight combed.  It was a sore spot my entire freaking childhood.  I have never even seen my mom go to the hairdresser. I have struggled more with clothes than I have hair and makeup.  I also struggle with continuity.  I see women who touch up their makeup - don’t leave the house without it etc. etc.  Right this second I don’t have on anything.  I don’t even have a skin care regime.  I will start and then go back to doing nothing.  I want to change that.  I want to look more put together so (like Brite said) it isn’t so obvious like “Pam went shopping” you see me looking hot for five days or so and then I’m busted again.  I might be too hard on myself, but I wish I had of been taught those things.

Love and Affection - I did not come from an affectionate family.  We were never huggy kissy or saying I love you or anything like that. We rarely touched.  Everything was so automated.  As children I don’t remember feeling comfortable showing emotion.  I can’t say that it was a religious thing.  Muslims are affectionate, but I remember it all being very stoic. Things were acknowleged as “that’s what you should be doing?”  “You better be able to recite this this and this?” “You are suppose to be getting A’s?”  Even today when I have good news - it seems to get glossed over.  I had to learn alot about it on my own.  I find it quite interesting and I bet some therapist can weave the thread as to how I balanced that out and still for the most part became an affectionate person when it came to say the opposite sex.  Yet I have not sought out affection to the tune of hundreds of men or anything like that.  I felt loved, it just wasn’t shown alot.  I didn’t learn how to hug someone effectively until I was well into being an adult.  I didn’t start saying I love you to my mom (at my urging) until the beginning of the THIS YEAR.  When Goddess was born I had to make leaps and bounds once she became a toddler to make sure I was giving her affection.  There was a time period where I slipped back into old ways - but I was able to recognize it and corrected myself.  Humans need touch and so I make sure I touch her, I hug her and I tell her I love her.  She doesn’t really know how to hug either (sigh) - so I try to make sure I hug her right so that she will know.  Now CAUN has made me have to address it again - that man hangs on to my fallopian tubes I tell yah!  He wants to cuddle, hug, lay on me, kiss on me - this is TMI but when he drives he wants to and does hold my left tittie! Like my girl TINK, I had to just give him one for his own enjoyment. I still have times when I become overwelmed, but I fight through them - There’s no room for that in my life now.

School & Career - So as you already know, my family are all entrepreneurs.  My mom used to work here and there, but she always had her own thing going.  My Dad never clocked in for anyone as long as I knew him.  My co-moms never worked either for someone else.  All I saw was “Doing for Self”.  Out of the 12 of us - One of us makes hand crafted furniture and one of us seems to be headed in the direction of self employment.  The rest of us have JOBS. None of us have Careers.  I am going to expound on this subject tomorrow more indepth.  Another thing was post secondary education.  It was just never stressed.  I learned about college from school and I was amped and raring, you hear me raring to go.  I wanted that experience. I didn’t get it, nobody was in real support of it and I didn’t have the ’strength’ to go out and do it myself.  As I look at my nieces and nephews it seems as if alot of that is repeating itself and only the strong will have the gumption to go to College.  Funny how a couple of years ago my mom started bugging me about it, but only moreso for monetary reasons. I’m glad I went back. I’ve stressed it in my household from day one.  Goddess already reached out on her own and ordered catalogues, lol 

Wow - I didn’t know I had this much in me today.  How I love blogging!!  You can come boring like I went to the store etc.  You can come cerebral like this, You can come silly You can just come!

P.S.  On October 27th at 8:00 am Goddess and I will be at the Dominican Beauty Salon where she will be getting a cut (some long layers) & a straightening (as only they can do it).  This will become routine.  I realized after the last blow-up that I was not making progress by regurgiating something that is not life or death in this day and time.  The girl is not giving me problems, I have run out of ideology that makes sense - so I’m going to save up my stuff and stop fighting this battle.  I’m sure she got something up her sleeve I’ll need it for later, lol