Ball of Confusion
I have alot on my mind, it has kept me up last night. You know that I only have about three things that will crumble this finely crafted fabulocity: My family and their woes, My relationship with my mom and my job and lack of career. Well the latter has reared it’s head. So I now had that to think about, but what has been bugging me is that I still don’t really have any concrete career aspirations, yet I am sickened that I have let myself basically wallow in this position for NINE YEARS! I don’t interact with the public, I have no need for any of my creative skills - it’s just dead. All of the creative outlets I have are in my private life The spark has left my eyes and it’s something I do to pay the bills.
Unfortunately, I have an almost crippling fear when it comes to making these type of decisions. How can I support all the fabulocity that is me and be such a undecisive punk in this area of my life? I trace it back to the fact that the drive and skill were never placed in us, like I have placed it in Goddess. They were so busy making sure we knew all the negatives of ‘the establishment’ and fostering guilt and negativity if we wanted to work a job - that now all of us have a hard time maneuvering. Fast forward and I then made decisions that were based mainly on the best way to feed, clothe and house my child and had the most flexibility to be a single mom and not have to work odd hours or jobs that didn’t require any skill.
Now I am fast approaching 42 and I am feeling like I haven’t accomplished anything. I see people who have professional goals etc. and even with me finally getting my college degree next year - I don’t really have any. I’ve lost the fire to teach - though I wouldn’t mind working in the school system. I am intrigued by HR, but I know that would require a masters to really get in the door. I don’t know if I have two more years of school in me or two more years of loans in me.
I have to find out what my passion is? What is it that moves me? I wrote down all the things I like to do. I also have been spending some time out on the net refamiliarizing myself with Titles and Markets and what not. I updated my resume. I might need to go get some career counseling and I’m not against that. Is there even such a thing? I’m about to take a couple of classes to hone up some advance skills on some things, so that I feel totally comfortable moving in that arena.
I am not about to make any hasty decisions, but I want to be totally prepared when I step out there. I want to e marketable etc. and make a move that satisfies…me.
I think about what mark do I want to leave? Why in the hell am I even on this earth? When my eulogy comes out, what exactly will it say besides she was fun……Dayum too many brain cells eaten up by this right now - gotta do some other stuff….
Jaila Says:
I feel exactly the same way pammy only for me its six years. Just woke up one day and asked” how did I get here?” This certainly isn’t what i wanted to be when i grew up.
we are going to be able to laugh about this one day…over drinks!
Posted on August 28th, 2007 at 7:30 pm
Rosalind Says:
It’s staring you in the face, my friend. You are a gifted writer. So write. What are you waiting on?
Posted on August 31st, 2007 at 5:30 pm