the adventures of pamalicious

ooooo! It’s Monday, how ya’ll doing?  I hope your weekend went well.  I am coming up out of a terrible case of PMEB - Pre Menstrual Emotional Breakdown, I’m sure you all are familiar.  It seems that occasionally, since I’ve entered my 40’s, that this affliction comes down on me.  I felt it starting earlier this week and as the week progressed, I was on a slippery slope to pity.  I spent most of the weekend in a state between enormous joy and crushing despair. 

Things that I deal with on the daily just became too much.  I started second guessing myself, my life..everything.  I ended up just sleeping, hoping it would go away, but even my dreams were filled with flashes of confusion.

I think the biggest thing is that I don’t know where I want to be.  I’m 41 - what is my purpose (don’t suggested that damn book).  I have to find some direction.  I’ll expoundon this tomorrow.

I also let all the things that worry me take over and become bigger than they probably need to be. 

I know that all weekend, I just kept looking at CAUN with the big eyes.  Then that brought about the other end of the spectrum.  I was in a place of submissiveness to the Glory of God for blessing me with what I asked for.  I was just really feeling thankful and trying to wrap my mind around the way I feel.  Being totally unashamed to declare my love for my husband to myself - because alot of times we just get scared to admit to ourselves that we are loving hard.  It’s not the way we were raised, it’s not the way we engage with our friends to be open about loving a man, we have to put parameters on it to make sure we don’t break the ’strong woman’ code or to make sure we don’t hurt our single friends feelings, etc. etc.  this weekend I just went there and got it all off my chest.  I mean everything on TV was making me freaking well up and Amen and what not, lol  I was a wreck - I can admit that.

Otherwise, it wasn’t a bad weekend.  CAUN took the ride somewhat with me and spend probably more time than he wanted, just being there for me emotionally.  Hugging me, Talking to me, allowing me to lean on him, providing intimacy.  We watched alot of TV and movies and just kinda laid around. 

This weekend should be okay, the heat wave has broken for now.  I start a new class tomorrow, I joined this really cool book lover site SHELFARI (really check it out). 

Well let me get back to what I was doing.  Should be a week of things in the deep recesses of my mind - which is always at minimum entertaining, lol