Thirteen Levels of Drama
Woo SAHHH this is gonna be a long one. On the way to work this morning, I stretched and stretched. My body had coiled up like a Cobra from the stress of the previous evening. I tried to focus on relaxing and calming things, but the visions were few and far between.
I wrote a post recently about the joy of giving birth to Goddess; now my words begin with “I brought you in this world and I’ll take you out”. This girl has flipped her wig! and it’s all about her wig.
In my household we have parameters and rites of passage and timelines as to when we will progress along the journey of Teenagedom. I am a firm believer that you can’t ever stop making boundaries and carving out roads for them to travel. Leaving them to their own devices in this modern day world, will make you sorry. These ‘movements’ are determined by maturity (emotional and otherwise), responsibility, previous infractions and overall readiness for the next step. Currently at thirteen, the rule is that she is not wearing her hair with the whole toss, flow and go.
There will be no chemicals. She must at minimum have a headband in her head and her hair pulled back off of her face. She has been given ‘freedom’ to style her hair every day. I have moved into flat ironing it about once a month to give her some ’straight’ days. With parental supervision for specific events she is wearing her hair loose.
Apparently being around her Uncle’s wife side of the family (who are Latin) has caused my child to burst a fuse. This child was hysterical in the Bathroom in NY at the Dave and Busters arguing with me about how my side of the family messed her hair up and I am ashamed of her and I just won’t let her be a teenager (she’s been 13 since October) and then it just started to all run together. I’m looking at the phone like it had grown appendages. WHEW WEEEEEE!
So after an hour of going back and forth and hitting a brick wall. I ended the conversation. She was put on restriction due to her blatant disrespect and tone of voice - things like “You Always Talking About” and “What do you mean?” are things that could possibly end her life. She has also pissed off her Step Father.
Now here comes the tricky parenting part. I fully understand that this is the way of the hormonal 13 year old. I have vivid memories of the fits I threw with my mother. I know what’s important to her is the most important thing in the world when you are 13 and I know that in the big scheme of things - this is N-O-R-M-A-L; I could be arguing with her about staying out all night (and unfortunately as we know there are some parents doing that as I type this). HOWEVER - if I don’t stand for something, she’ll decide I’ll fall for anything. All that work while she was young doesn’t mean shit - children are on autopilot and attached to the teet, THIS is the time where how you parent will make or break it. Especially this 13th year. This is the time the extension of the rope will either give them freedom or hang their asses.
I also am grappling with the validity of the choices that you make for your children. Parents fall into peer pressure as well. There are already several who have raised one eyebrow at the entire concept of doling out the rites of passage. Why no eyebrow arching? Why no heels? It is my job as a parent to see farther than my child and to see my child. She has tunnel vision and cataracts at this age. Yes a great concern of mines is the fact that the lines between an 18 year old and a 13 year old have been blurred (just ask Genarlow). Thirteen is the age of taste testing. You are in a zone where you don’t want to be the vision your mother has for you; but you have no idea what other vision to be. So much information is available to you and with the internet, media, music etc. etc. you can become overwelmed and short circuit.
Well it’s my job to refocus those circuits and settle the rumble in her head and heart and that’s what I intend to do. Alot of times people throw out rules and regulations wrapped around the trump card of ‘Because I said so’. It works wonders believe you me, but I started to think - is that really a good enough reason in 2007? These children are reasoners, way more than we ever were and they want answers. So when all esle fails, I fall back on what I know hold us to a firm standard and that’s…religion.
The Nation of Islam has a document for absolutely every behavior you ever thought you could come up with and some that you didn’t, lol Growing up - I was on a short and did I say short leash - but as always, in your adult hood, you appreciate that leash. I’ve decided to speak to her intellect. If I show her where she could be, she will appreciate it where she is and it will give us some concrete boundaries to work within. So when we get back from Disney (I already paid that’s got to go on) - school will be in session for Miss Lady. Apparently the freedom of independent thought became to much for her.
First we will read all of the documentation I have printed and bound for her including the 100 Do’s and Don’t and THIS (you might wanna click on these and read it and then go and thank YOUR lucky stars!) After we read, we will then be required to (1) write the 100 do’s and don’ts verbatim (2) be able to recite at least 20 of them and (3) compose me a two page essay on what we have learned. Vin Diesel will be sent back to the studio to finish up his film and we will begin to delve into what is required academically of an upcoming 8th grader.
We are going to make it through this - millions of parents since the beginning of time has all made it through, but damn if she don’t have my neck tight!
shai Says:
Ok, I get the disrespect part.
I don’t get why she cannot wear her hair down. Hell, my soon to be 17 year old, I wished she wore it down and loose. She keeps in a ponytail most of the time unless it is braided.
Posted on July 17th, 2007 at 7:44 am
AR Gal Says:
Ohhhh, to be 13 again…..sike I’ll pass! That age was fun but rough at the same time. My niece just turned 13 this past April….3 months in and I hear she already has teenageritis. lol
Posted on July 17th, 2007 at 7:49 am
Pamalicious Says:
Well Shai as I spoke about in the post, she is progressively moving towards that. When she does wear her hair down - she looks quite older and on top of that exotic. Each time she pulls her own hair back because she can’t handle the stares or the attention.
Not to mention we are not defining ourselves by what those on television etc. do. There is no hurry to wear your hair down and all the maintenance etc. will fall the way of if we got a dog - on me.
I told her from the beginning that we would visit that when she got 14 and more towards high school. She has enough hair styles and enough responsibility on her hair for now.
Posted on July 17th, 2007 at 8:21 am
Ondrea Says:
As I have said to you before, I applaud your parental skills. While I may be different in some areas I am the same in alot of ways. I agree that kids need boundaries and they need help in making choices. Your daughter was probably fine with the “no hair out” rule until she became influenced by others. My daughter, who is 12 recently asked me why she couldn’t have a myspace page???? I admit I did use the “because I said so” response at first. I later broke it down about the dangers of the internet and web pages. She still didn’t like it but at least my response came with a reason :-). She don’t have to like it!
Keep doing what you are doing. I am witnessing the opposite with my husband and his 13-year old son. He has practically no boundaries. Everything is his choice as to what he wants to do and don’t want to do. Man, I am afraid to see what he will be like when he grows up since he is being taught that he does not have to do anything he don’t want to do. I hope he chooses a career where he is his own boss.
Posted on July 17th, 2007 at 9:06 am
cazualc@gmail.com Says:
Pam,
Stick to your guns you are 100% correct. My mom is always telling me that I need to be more trusting with my son and give him more freedom and I always tell her (in the most respectful tone of course) that she needs to talke a long look at her own son and see what that got her.
I rememeber being Goddess’ age and I was a fool with it! Some of the things that I would say and the tone of voice that I would use with my mother -insane. I am praying for the sake of my daughter and my wallet that she is not half the nut I was in my teenage years because there will be regular visits to the dentist. Hell, she lost a tooth 2 months ago because of her sass (don’t everyone go call Child Protective Services at once, it was already loose).
We all need to remember that these are our babies and if we do not teach and lead them down the right path, there will always be someone out there to lead them in the wrong direction.
As for going back and forth on the phone with her while she is traveling…don’t. My kids are with my mom for the summer and my son especially calls me all the time trying to “run my pressure up” as the old folks would say. If only I could find a way to morph through these phone lines…lol
sorry for the long post
Posted on July 17th, 2007 at 11:11 am
Pamalicious Says:
You know I should do a follow up post and have folks submit some of the crazy things they did at 13. I remember girl and it’s documented how much angst I had - I have my journals from then, so you ain’t telling me nothing.
My mom didn’t let me stop wearing two ponytails till I was damn near 16 and I didn’t put any chemical in my head till I was 19 and paid for it myself.
So as far as I’m concerned I’m quite progressive - but there doesn’t need to be any hurry for adult responsibility - she got plenty of time for that. She does her own hair everyday; so she just freaking out to be freaking out.
I was about to fly to NY and just knock on the door and then knock her out, lol
I hope someone read those 100 do’s and don’t and see in what direction it could go in. I’m sure she’ll definately calm the hell down.
Posted on July 17th, 2007 at 11:37 am
deepnthought Says:
I am so happy that you are sharing this for us. Now, when my time comes to start mothering, you will definitely be one of my points of reference. I can so appreciate all you do and say.
Posted on July 17th, 2007 at 11:44 am
Roycee Says:
WOW! You’ve got it all together…I dont have children but I think it is important for parents to have a solid plan and to stick to it when raising their kids. Dont let the times be the determining factor. Internet, media, sports, celebrities…too much randomness is affecting parents ability to truly parent. I admire your commitment to her, despite what she is feeling right now she will be grateful for her life in the long run. This was a great post…I’d love to see the Nation of Islam document you talked about too!
Posted on July 17th, 2007 at 12:22 pm
Pamalicious Says:
Roycee if you click the name of the document it will take you there. As a matter of fact let me just post it as an addendum.
I placed it as a page under my Adventurous Articles in the Upper right hand corner of the page.
Posted on July 17th, 2007 at 12:39 pm
Ladynay Says:
Wow Pam, I really commend your for sticking to your plan! I hope I can do the same when my child hits the preteen/teen years.
Posted on July 18th, 2007 at 6:23 am
Aziza Says:
Wow. A whole lot was said here. But Pam, I admire your parental style. I hear about too many parents who just want to be friends with their kids. But many times, our parents methods come back and make all the sense in the world when we’re grown. I, too, was on a short leash. And I’m glad about it, because my free thinking mind was about to lead me down the wrong road with those boys.
Pam keep on doing what you’re doing. Goddess will thank you for it.
Posted on July 18th, 2007 at 8:35 am
Angie Says:
When I was your daughters age I too wanted to wear my long hair down. My grandmother and I went back and forth about it for weeks. Finally she agreed to let me wear it down.
Baaaaby I was so hot! I was sweating all over the place. My hair was all over too. It got into the food and everything. Not to mention, it was soooo tangled after being loose all day. It was hell combing it out. I never begged to wear it down again.
Posted on July 19th, 2007 at 7:21 am
MzNewAgenda Says:
Glad you are sticking to your guns. At 13 we think we know it all…in such a rush to grow up…I am glad you are making her stay a kid for just a little while longer.
I like the new diggs.
Posted on July 23rd, 2007 at 12:36 pm