the adventures of pamalicious

 Am I back on Dial-up?! What happened to my internet life?  I used to be neck deep up in the latest happenings and it has slowly just become a read only life.  My instant messenger used to be poppin as well - good good conversation.  I remember when the entire lower half of my computer screen was all lit up from all the conversations I used to have…no more.  I just blog - stop through ‘the tabloids’ - breeze through ‘highschool’ and that’s that.  Even when I am on the net, I can’t seem to find the new message boards or any of the hot spots. I just surf aimlessly looking at this and that. I watch the enthusiasm with which Goddess surfs the net and I remember ya’ll.  I remember. The crazy thing is, I still am on the damn thing too much, lol 

Hey did my phone get disconnected? Exactly, why do I even have a phone. Nobody damn calls. All these bells and whistles and…CRICKETS!  Um, I used to have other people to talk to.  My Friend/Ex called the other day and I was like a thirsty man at a lake - just soaking up some new angle and communication.  I used to sit on the phone for hours watching TV with “Janet” we now talk during the day at work.  My mom won’t barely talk to me - because she says I don’t have the time I used to have to listen, lol  So I just play with my phone and do stuff like light up the lights and what not.  I even forget to carry it sometimes.

The Break Up with B.O.B.  Let’s not pretend that each and every one of us doesn’t need any ‘one on one’ time sometimes.  I remember when it used to be a big event. Candles, a nice soak, some wine, the adventure of seeing if you can knock your own self the hell out. Well B.O.B. is gone out of my life SOB SOB SOB.  With the addition of a real live one - we just kinda drifted apart.  B.O.B. was a good one though.  He didn’t ask no questions, he asked for nothing in return, He was ambidexterous, He kept it up forever and he was just about YOU. I can’t even find him and when I do try to set aside some time to maybe hook up for old time sake, I can’t find no batteries, the time constraints are a mess and by the time I try to reconnect with all the fantasies I used to have…I’M SLEEP DAMMIT!!  

Leave Me Alone - I used to be in charge of my time. Even with being a mother, I had soo much time to just wallow in my own stew.  If I wanted to just stare at the wall for three hours..fine. If I wanted to sit and read all my old journals..fine.  If I wanted to spend all day beautifying myself..fine.  I have been reverted back to my life with a toddler - the BATHROOM is the only place to step outside myself and talk to myself.  I look daily for sometime to just be..quiet.  Actually, I am a quiet person - I am motivated by others to perform - Yes I am a windup doll, lol lol I like just having peace and quiet and alone time.  All of my senses need time to relax and rejuvenate.  I can’t function always on overload.  At this point, I can’t even sleep for the most part. So much going on in my head.  I hear an invitation to a secluded island somewhere off in the distance.

Calling Party of ONE - been a long time since I’ve seen that. Dinner and a movie with..myself.  A Stroll in the mall sipping on a smoothie…alone.  A ride home from work to debrief with myself…solo.  Things that used to be taken for granted, now have to be scheduled and explained.  I have the windows down and my laughter is loud as I speed down Interstate 20 in the morning - I am afloat in the air, hiding in the clouds - my music blasting. I inhale deeply, filling my lungs with personal space and individual thought and selfish needs and desires.  

Hmmmm - life sure is different now…………