the adventures of pamalicious

Breathe Out………This weekend has been quiet but not peaceful.  Sometimes quietness doesn’t equal peacefulness.  My mind is jumbled with scattered thoughts.  I am in a place of worry about some things.  My goals and aspirations, finances and just what the future holds. I try to delve into the recesses of my mind and calm it, but it’s doing it’s on thing right now. 

One of my thoughts was about WHY?  Why do I write this blog?  What exactly am I getting from it.  Sometimes I’m not sure.  I read all these blogs of folks letting us inside of their world day after day after day.  I see things I can relate to and I see things I don’t even begin to try.  Why do we come here day after day and basically write to ourselves hoping someone somewhere reads it.  Now don’t tell me you write and never think about someone reading it.  What exactly do we want people to say about our lives, if anything? and then when they do comment - how do we feel?  I rarely see folks really say what they might think about someone’s life.  I mean I read a situation and someone had actually said what they did was foul and they disapproved and it was immediately called a ‘bitch ass statement’.  Now what was bitch, if you had to label something was that it was Anon, however, I feel em. We don’t check each other anymore. Someone say “I fucked three girls husband” and believe you me - there are plenty who jump right up and say “Ooo Gurl, you get yours, Oo Gurl you my Shero - do the damn thang and get yours”  Wayy more than someone would have the courage to say “whew girl you need to stop”.  Why don’t we have the courage to tell our brothers and sisters that they are just not on point about somethings which then rolls into, if someone does check you why don’t we have the capacity to decide that maybe they are right?

Can you judge a person writing a personal blog? Are any of us qualified to decide if someone’s life is ‘not on point?’  Sometimes I wish we lived in a society where there was a Government or Governing Body that laid out the rules that we all had to follow.  Our ‘independence’ to choose our own religion and our own rules, sometimes feels like the very downfall of who we are.  Just like we can’t give a baby unlimited boundaries, I don’t think as adults we need to have that much rope either - we always tend to hang ourselves one way or the other.

I think I’m in a space that is getting very small.  I am seeing things that are making me want to isolate myself to save myself.  Folks are renting space in my head and I am losing the space to think.  I think this weekend has been about rearranging and clearing me out space to think. 

This is gonna sound kinda harsh, but I really need to find me some Black People because Niggas have recently gotten on my nerves.  As always, Toubob has a standing reservation on my nerves, but actually at least I KNOW what the deal is and can act acordingly, with my people - there is always this tug of war between my love for them all and my fustration with our inability to move forward. I can count at almost 41 years of age less than 10 people who really move me intellectually and spiritually and that scares me.  As I move up in my own life experience, I want to strive for and be exposed to the next level.  I am feeling stagnant. 

Well Hubby is about to throw our chicken on the grill.  I’m gonna sit, watch him and read my book.  I am determined to finish it before the three day holiday is over.  Thought I’d start blogging today and believe it or not I do have some musings for tomorrow, lol lol