the adventures of pamalicious

Being a combination of old and new school.  I always wondered about the term he or she is my ‘better half’.  Part of me wants to lay claim to some dellusional perfection and Part of me understands the concept that a mate does complete you.  I pondered this saying in my head on and off when dealing with other couples until I met…Caun.As much as we are alike we compliment each other.  More and more as we move forward in this relationship, I am seeing how.  I have rage.  Yes I admit that. I can get quite angry.  I have assigned nerves that have been bought by certain people and I just keep them just for them, but then I have nerves for rent - come get on them any damn time you please.

I think that I acquired rage from not having a voice for so long.  Ya’ll know I did’t get one till I was around 30 or so.  In my childhood years I was just a puppet - pull my strings and I will do what you say. In my adult years - I ‘ate’ whatever it was I had to say.  I always joke that when I finally opened my mouth, 50 pounds just fell off.  But due to me always swallowing what I had to say - rage built up and I just get aggravated quickly.

On the flip side, due to adversity as a youth, Caun has decided and put into action a quite peaceful approach to life.  He is the calmest person I know.  I have only seen him raise his voice once.  His blood pressure must be on coma, lol. 

So put us together and you get what I call the Martin vs Malcolm syndrome.  He wants to talk and rationalize and cumbahyah and I want to fight and then fight some more.  It rears it’s head on a number of topics including child rearing. I bring all this heat and flames home and he just douses them. I end up spinning around in a circle until I die down, lol

Because of this however, I’ve learned about your mate being your ‘better half’.  I don’t use my power of peace often enough and he doesn’t get hyped often enough - so I’ll use him to calm me down and basically he sics me on people or lays down so I can bite his ass to get him moving, lol

I also watch the way he deals with situations.  Over the last week, I’ve seen him earn feather after feather in his wings to heaven, while quite frankly - I now have earned a freaking timeshare in hell if you ask me.  I am trying to absorb how to maneuver through things out of my control and not become so fustrated about them. 

He is such a calming force in my life.  I am full of F this and F that and my talk alot of times if violent as in “I wanted to bust that muthafucka in the head” ( I know right, a little person with a whole lotta mouth) - yet he never has any beef, lol.  On the flip side, I can motivate him and get him to see how folks will take advantage of a situation because they think your calm reaction is a non-reaction.  So on a day to day basis we volley that ball back and forth between us.  We also have become in tune to when one or the other of us needs to step forth.

I have also began working on that.  It’s alright to have a zest for life and be ‘crunk’ so to speak and that side of me is quite lively - but I can’t keep swinging the pendumlum from one extreme to the next.  I must, now that I’ve found my voice, stop shouting and just speak - I am finally being heard, it’s alright to just speak.

And on another note:  I noticed that I have been letting slip what I really want to say instead of what I know I should say when dealing with my ‘counseling’ sessions and so I was speaking to him about it and he was like “say man sorry to hear that - hope that works out for you’ and move the fuck on.”  You got folks renting apartments in your head and it’s leaving you absolutely no room to think.  I know he right, I gotta let that shit go.  (1) these are grown people, it’s not like I am mentoring youth and (2) sorry to say it but folks just got issues and who am I to be the purveyor of wise wisdom? Cause alot of it is like does a brick need to fall on your head conversation to begin with.  Yesterday I almost blew a gasket over a situation and brought it over into my own life, which made Caun sit up and say “whoa it’s suppose to be about friendship and not a dumping ground for folks issues”.  I think alot of men don’t get the fact that part of the spectrum of the female relationship is just that - the place to dump it all.  I also feel like when I had to dump - there were spots available, but I think I’ve been paid back - I’m tired - you gonna live your life like you wanna live it and having me type all day or call or whatever hasn’t made you do any differently up to this point and I’m tired of hearing myself speak…….so can we just shoot the breeze?  My BFF and I talk about TV, Movies, Fashion, Hair, Celebrity Gossip, Future plans, Dreams, Hopes, Liquor (lol), Discussion Groups and yes sometimes we get catty about others - but it’s calming friendship based conversation.  We don’t dump on each other and I’d like, if I’m going to try to have female relationships whether they be online or not, to nuture the friendship.

Peace Out!