Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel

This is just the randomness that comes with death….

Soooo this is really what’s about to happen?  I’m about to get up each morning and know that Mike is not somewhere creating, building, dazzling.  For the past few days, I’ve really thought this was just a dream. I wake up eagerly only to be stomped with the realization that my Michael is gone.

  I like this picture because Janet and I are the same age, so when I look at this picture it brings back the great memories that I have of being that age and just loving that man to her right.

Once I am in a better place mentally, I really want to dwell and think on the outpouring of love that came my way.  No reason to lie but well over 50 people contacted me via the various mediums you can contact me about this loss.  I felt like I needed to issue a press statement.  I never quite realized how I rode the Mike thing off into the sunset.  Caun gave me side eye when I said that to him and a Pam you wern’t even fucking with folks who did not ‘get’ that you loved some Mike and they better pretend they did too, (lol)

Folks think my phone screen saver and ring back were things done in the last three days. I have had Mikes feet and glittery socks on my phone since I got it and they were on the black berry for the previous 2 years. The Beat It ring back has been around for awhile as well.

I ended up on the news by going to a public memorial here in Underground.  The sentiment was there but I think I need to seek out a middle class gathering because Cousin pookie nem meant well but that damn alcohol kinda messed it up.

My inner circle came out in gang busters  When New Edition came out. Looks like we were playing Wii, lol  We had a makeshift ‘wake’ of sorts to watch the awards (which I will speako n in my next post)  We had food, drink and each other.

I really truly am in my right mind and I am fully aware that Michael Jackson was ‘just a man’ - unless you’ve been a fan, you won’t understand the trapping of a fan.  However, damn you can talk to me, lol

I sat in my decorated truck (RIP Mike on the back and Thriller Album Covers in the windows) and contemplated going back home (I took Friday as a Berevement day) but after carefully going over in my head that I probably wasn’t in the will - I came on into the office……..

I think that the reason Mike was so important to me was - you know how sometimes you can be quite lonely even in a crowd. That was me growing up. I was lonely.  I had all those folks around me and they served their purpose when necessary but I just felt…different.  I always made up imaginary families, imaginary homes, imaginary siblings.  I spent alot of time reading and escaping and creating stories of far away places with other people.  Mike was lonely as well and that just resonated with me.  We were there for each other.

I will be back with some more randomness because I got other stuff to say.

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I’ve taken to blasting the old school rap channel and cruising down I-20 in the mornings over the summer when I don’t have to make stops at High School and such.  The music gets me pumped to face the day but is familiar to me based on it’s time period.  I also take that time to just think about things. 

This morning I thought about this whole being adult thing and how I really haven’t totally grasped the concept as of yet….and maybe don’t want to.  I just turned 43 years old this past June 4th and while some parts of me are slipping into this pattern of adulthood, there is quite a bit of me that is not and has no intention too.  I look at others my age and my friends in particular and I don’t think any of us are doing it, lol 

I think about how I have absolutely NO ISSUES with loving celebrities and finding my original Al B Sure! concert Tee to wear to celebrate him coming out with new music. Or the BIG ASS Michael Jackson poster I have on my wall (framed of course cause I am grown, lol) on my side of the room.  I am just a big kid YET I equate all of this with the way I want to be an adult. 

Now I know some folks who have moved into the seriousness of that folks equate with being adult/grown and I guess it works for them – but I dont’ want to focus on all of that stuff all the time.

I can remember when my mom was in that space where you’re young and kinda carefree. I remember her screaming at Teddy Pendergrass and sitting to watch Soul Train.  Now she is a different person and I’m like I hope I’m not about to go there, lol 

I laugh because the very core of me is just not having all the stress and strain of being an adult.  I have some of it just based on being out here in the world but I really feel that my childhood and teenage years are my ‘lovey’ and ‘security blanket’ of sorts and I turn to it to keep me so very balanced.  Not only is it the things I do and think about and participate in, but it’s the feeling surrounding all of it.  I can’t see myself not screaming for Mike, or not reading trashy novels, or acting silly.  Yet I know at some point it’s all going to fade just a bit.

When I was 20 years old, 50 years old seemed sooo far away, now it’s only SEVEN YEARS in front of me.  Who will I be then?  What will I like then?  What kind of…(GASP) Grandmother will I be?  These things are starting to begin their formation in my mind – it’s the natural progression and I won’t stop it. One thing I feel is that I’m going to be hella fly in my 50’s and 60’s. I hope to have my self confidence to a level where I can just be out there.  I always admire the fly sistas at this age – the linen wearing, big hat pimping, I’m true to myself and with myself type sistas.

By this time I hope to have actually said out loud all the things I have needed to say.  I hold so much inside even with all that I have released. I can’t take fear into this next portion of my life.  I won’t take it.

I look forward to loving Caun in my 50’s.  Our union is the greatest carpet ride through paradise I could ask for and as we move into that portion of our lives – I expect it to be just damn fabulous! 

So as you look and experience Adulthood everyday – is it what you expected it to be? This is not about whether you have achieved your goals and dreams = but just about being an adult, what you’ve seen, come to realize about it – look back on what you thought it was going to be and what it actually is. What’s happening to you.

Sometimes life is interesting.  You see, visual after visual of just some of the most tortured pain in the world.  I have seen so many stories and heard so many voices just heavy with the pain of life, family, etc.  You look at these things and ultimately you get a bit numb to the concept.  I have been through my share of pain some definable by all (as in the death of my first husband) some pain based on my threshold (that whole Mobetta thing), but I have always had this ability to just numb it out. 

Well everyone in awhile the best of us accidently takes off our ‘dreamworld’ glasses and is blinded by the reality of the situation.  Sometimes you are just beat the hell up and the glasses fall off revealing the truth.  Well the latter has happen to me.  I have had my shades ripped off and the visual I see has temporarily blinded me the dysfunction was so bright.

When I tell ya’ll if I had of rolled this around in my head, brought in ghost writers or had a personal confab with a panel of Freddie Kruger, Mike Myers AND Jason Vorhees I couldn’t have come up with this one! 

I have never gotten faint from negativity and now I can’t say that because as I listened to this story told in the most foulest of foul ways I got faint.  I’m glad I was already sitting.

I wanted to fall to my knees and scream out WHYYYYYY - but I already knew the answer.  The answer brought out another emotion….RAGE!  I am not a violent person. I pretend to be and I can cop one hell of a nasty ass attitude believe you me - but this made me have serious thoughts of murder and mayhem.  Which leads to the last emotion in this roller coaster - FRUSTRATION!  How is this happening?  How is no one checking this situation like they should be?  Why hasn’t this person been beat the hell down?  WHY CAN’T MY DADDY BE ALIVE TO HANDLE THIS?!

Damn ya’ll I tell yah, I don’t want to answer the phone sometimes because it represent some BS most times I do at this point.  I have decided to just kinda measure the pain with medication pumped at timed intrevals.  I’m still mad that I’m being held down to witness the train crash, the carnage and the blood and guts, but maybe I can break away for a moment to find my damn shades because I DON’T WANT TO SEE THIS HAPPEN!!!

This will definately make it happen

– Post From My iPhone